Thomas woke up in bed, he looked around and saw no one around and the night sky outside the window. Reaching over to grab his PD he saw the time as 3:40 am, after collecting himself and coming back into consciousness he fell back into the bed. This was now the third night he stayed back in his old home, as it would be at some point in his life. His home again, The Walker Mansion has been held by the family since his Grandfather founded the company. He had no issues with the place, and in some ways down the road, he looked forward to spending time here once more. However, seeing your father die and processing emotions relating to death, he opted to go for the familiar instead of staying at the hotel he was staying in to be nearby. The mansion with traffic was a good hour away from The Walker Company headquarters in downtown Chicago. The funeral would be in a few days, he wanted some time to himself, and prepare for laying his father into the ground.
Realizing the nightmare he had was probably going to wake him up again he opted to get up for a bit and see if he could calm down. He put on a nearby shirt, tied the bottoms of his pants, and walked out of his room, it did not have near the stuff it had in it when he was a kid. By this point in life, most of his stuff was now in a place he lived in, but currently, that was now in storage as Xanadu was being finished. The halls of the mansion showed their age, with long hallways by doors and something that looked like a horror game. He wondered as a teen walking these halls at night if a zombie was going to jump up and break the window. As the corridor was bathed in moonlight he stopped and looked out the window at the forest and road nearby. A memory in his mind's eye formed of his father's limo pulling up to the door like a taxi and a younger Thomas running up to him. Being snapped back into the world by a passing car he looked out once more to see the empty road and gate with a security guard sitting outside at a small check-in point. While he hated the fact he needed security, Tony would not let him stay here without at least a skeleton staff.
He headed down the stairs and into the kitchen to make some coffee, checking the news at now four in the morning showed him much like last night, not much had been going on. Same old news about the passing and what comes next, Thomas turned off the Holo and wondered if anyone else was going to have a recent loss be the top story on news feeds and shows, and speculation about what came next. He reasoned it was not normal but being this early and his mind this sleep-deprived it wandered. Realizing the coffee was done and sat for a bit, he applied the creamer he liked and stirred it up he continued his walk around the grounds, taking in the size of his eventual home. He said this to himself as he felt he was not ready yet to call this place home. Moving out to the West Coast to get some experience in management as well as just wanting to get some small distance from here until he has to return. Which he was not ready for just yet. He figured in a few years maybe however, as a home to come and chill when he is in the area for work, it was as he walked around in his head becoming more of a thought he'll be here sooner than he'd like to be. He was beginning to wonder if this was like touring your future prison, once more the young man set those thoughts aside, he at least could realize what was just anger and sleep and what was actual thought.
He walked back up to the second floor and came back to the door he had been avoiding all the time, it was the two doors actually but, they led to the mansion's master bedroom, he would walk by it and always stop, he then put his hand on the handle he felt his hand trembling now as it was on the handle he could feel the fear, the pain, the weight bearing down on him, he started to move the handle down to open one of the doors and nearly got it down. Then he let go and it sprung back up to its closed state. While he had an understanding that this room no longer had an inhabitant and that it was by right his room now. Something kept him from opening the door, he had a feeling of what it was but he shoved it aside once again. Thomas recalled opening the door as a younger kid, very young, and jumping up trying to grab it to pull down. Only for his mother to open the other door and look down and smile at him before meeting him at his level to check on him.
This time he heard his mug shatter on the ground, he looked down and saw the mess and then to his hand as it shook, from there he felt powerless and forced himself against the frame of the door the anguish and hurt rolled through him like waves from the ocean and after his vision narrowed and blurred, he could hear a voice like it was miles away but could not respond, Tam found him and got into his vision her voice still sounding miles away as sound seem to dim out like feedback from a speaker was aimed right at him. The young man eventually managed to come back into the world and the feedback sound stopped hearing Tam's voice in front of him.
"Thomas?" Tam said softly and his eyes blinked and nodded "Hey, you alright?"
Thomas looked for a moment and shook his head Tam looked over and saw the mess on the ground she did not say anything for a moment and looked back at him with a smile "Come on, let's get you away from here."
They walked back to the kitchen and Tam poured some coffee into a different mug, she poured herself some as well. Though she did not like the taste it was all Thomas had available at this time of the day.
"What are you doing here?" Thomas wondered aloud
"Well, I know what it is like staying with ghosts, I had a feeling you might be up and if you weren't I was just gonna check in quickly," Tam explained.
"...I don't know what came over me back there," Thomas said quietly
Tam put the mug down and sighed "It's called a panic attack, you've been having a lot of them, we've noticed."
He took a sip of his mug, it was a deep sip, and set it down. "I'm...not used to them, it's an odd feeling."
This elicited a chuckle from his female friend. "Yeah, that is a good way to explain it. I've seen you depressed, and hurt and everything good as well, but a loss like this it's different."
"Can I ask you something?" Tam nodded at him, "How do you deal with this, does the pain of losing both ever go away?"
Her eyes looked to the table, and now he saw the sadness in her eyes, every so often he'd notice it when she was by herself or did not realize others were around and just as quickly when she looked back at him it went away.
"No, it never goes away, I don't want to say it gets easier, I mean it feels like it does but that feels like saying something like this pain fades when it doesn't," Tam confirmed to him and looked lost for a moment before adjusting her glasses. "I think the better word is manageable."
"Manageable?" Thomas asked her.
She nodded to him, "Yeah, right now it is raw, but in a few days it'll get easier and then a month is going to go by and it'll feel easier still, and one day it's going to be a year and then honestly you'll understand what I am talking about."
Thomas looked down at his mug and did not speak, Tam could see all the pain and confusion and decided to ask "Why are you staying here?"
He looked at her confused not saying anything still "Thomas, I know you are sleeping in your old room, and you keep going to your parent's bedroom and can't open the door. Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"I'm not ready to let go yet? I am inheriting a billion-dollar company, and the world is looking to me like I am some sort of savior, every time I turn on a Holo I see people talking about what am I going to do, and it's coming at me like a train..."
Tam listened to him and leaned back in the chair, she offered no response or even a comment. The silence was getting to Thomas.
"I mean, what are you expecting me to say? That I'm fine?" his voice grew louder getting up at this point the chair pushing back behind him. "That I'm ready to take this on? That I know exactly what to do?" At this point, he was pacing around the room talking, "I have a load on my shoulders I'm expected to carry and honestly, for the life of me...I am not sure I can do it. Yes, Carries quip got to me, I know it shouldn't have but it did! I can't run from this, I can't even avoid it, I have nightmares of failing, I hear my parents saying how I let them down, my father disappointed, my mother...my mother in these dreams doesn't even speak!" He was starting to break at this point. He could feel tears running down his face but he refused to stop at this point.
"So why did I come here? CAUSE I HAVE NO PLACE ELSE TO RUN, I CAN'T OPEN THE ROOM BECAUSE WHEN I DO THE FACT NO ONE IS THERE IT...IT'S KILLING ME, I DON'T HAVE ANYONE AND I HAVE TO HANDLE ALL THIS ON MY OWN!" He shouted out and looked back at her "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR? THAT I FEEL ALONE AND I'M SCARED SHITLESS OF WHAT I HAVE TO DO?"
Having heard enough she walked up to him and hugged him for a moment, and looked up at him her face was calm, it was just a look of concern.
"Thomas, I know how this feels and I'm glad you finally said all this, but one thing you have to understand is you are not alone, Tony is here to make sure you're safe, and Emmett is already working on things to help you get ready for what comes next, and I'll be here to listen and help you through this pain." She said to him as calmly as he ever heard her. Thomas still was shaking she could feel it on his shoulders.
"I know, we're not your parents, but you said it before we're family...you and Tony are my brothers, and I'm gonna help you through this like you've helped me alright?"
Thomas was starting to shake less, he nodded to her "I need to do something...but, I can't do it alone..."
Tam looked unsure but nodded to him. They walked back over to the Master bedroom, the floor was clean whatever Thomas was thinking she just stood by him. He took the handle and he was starting to shake again, Tam reached up and squeezed his shoulder. He breathed deep, turned the handle, and then grabbed the other door handle and with all he felt he could muster, pushed the door open.
Inside the room was dark the only light coming through was from the sun rising in one of the windows. Thomas was breathing heavily but was able to control himself.
"I...I can't go in, I can open the door but I can't go in yet..." Thomas said
Tam nodded to him "Can you close the door?
Thomas looked straight ahead trying to see if he could, Tam stepped ahead grabbed the doors, and closed them for him. She looked back at him after the lock clicked over.
"I guess that was a step?"
Tam nodded to him, "Bigger than you know right now, you hungry?" Her, not blood brother shrugged his indifferent shrug. "Come on, I'll get you something to eat."
"Do you mind if I wait in the living room?" He asked her and she nodded her head she walked to the kitchen and looked around for some food, finding some cereal and things not caffeinated for breakfast she got all the items out. She stopped before getting a few bowls and did not hear anything. She walked out and saw him lying on the couch dead asleep. Seeing a nearby blanket she unfurled it over him and put the items back where they were. She texted Tony to let him know everything was okay, and also in a group chat with her, Tony and Emmett asked them not to bother him in the morning. She wrote a note and laid it on the table beside the couch as he rolled over onto the couch. She let herself out and let the ghosts keep him company.
"Daylight is the best cure for sadness." She said to herself thinking back to the saying her mother used to say, after a long time she finally understood what she meant.
